I temporarily live in the most ridiculous pea-pickin’ town in East Texas. I highly emphasize temporarily, because as soon as I am able, I’ll be out of here so fast that people will gasp, stop dead in their tracks and ask, “What was that sound?” before they realize it was the sound of me leaving. In fact, if you know of anyone hiring, please let me know. I’d be willing to pick fly shit out of pepper if it paid the rent and utilities…as long as it isn’t anywhere near here.
Anyway, I won’t provide the name of the town, because it’s really not important.
I cannot even begin to tell you about the drama that revolves around this Pea Pickin’ town and the Pea Pickin’ people herein. But, I will try. And before you ask, yes, this is all true. Even I couldn’t make this shit up.
The 9/11 Disaster:
Proper Pea-Pickin’ Town Response: Shut down the mall. Nothing else. Just the mall. For four days!
(author’s note: I wasn’t residing in Pea Pickin’ Town when 9/11 happened — but my mother relayed this ridiculousness to me. Also note, I don’t like malls, so them shutting it down would have been a blessing to me).
Nuclear Disaster in Japan:
Proper Pea-Pickin’ Town Response: Purchase all existing, “Anti-Radiation pills,” even after the national and international news media report that the United States will not be affected, and then complain that you might or might not be already glowing in the dark. It is preferable that you make these statements to the media. On live TV.
Important note to journalists: make sure you find the roughest looking redneck with questionable intelligence. Make sure he has not participated in any dental care with his employer. Try not to disturb the rock from which you dug him or her up. Disturbing a redneck’s home is justification for starting a riot.
West-Nile Virus: (before they considered it an epidemic)
Proper Pea-Pickin’ Town Response: Flood the hospitals and doctor’s offices, even if you’ve only sneezed once…in the last 3 years. Ignore the fact that sneezing is not a symptom of the West Nile Virus.
Nurse: What symptoms are you having?
Patient: Ever since that skeeter (translation for non-rednecks: mosquito) chased me from the outhouse, I’ve been sneezin’ and that makes me fart. At the same time. That thar stench makes the wife complain. I must have the West Nile.
Nurse: Here, take this Benadryl and put on this gown. The opening in the back will prevent spontaneous combustion! By the way, that’ll be $3500.
In the news, shortly after the tragedy at the movie theater in Colorado, someone made a similar threat to the Carmike Cinemas in North Carolina and Georgia (NOT Texas):
Proper Pea-Pickin’ Town Response: Shut down and evacuate the only Carmike theater in town and call all police (including SWAT), fire, and ambulance personnel to your location. STAT! Don’t pay any attention to the fact that Pea Pickin’ town is not located in either North Carolina or Georgia. Those remote locations do not matter, because Pea Pickin’ town is the most important town in the world and we must protect it’s Pea Pickin’ citizens at all costs. Besides, we have nothing better to do. And for the love of God, get the media down here and search for the roughest rednecks you can find to interview. Consider it a bonus if they have a grease stain on the front of their shirt in the shape of their hand print. Maybe you can locate the Redneck’s still glowing in the dark from the last disaster that affected us. They’ll be easier to find since you will be able to see the green halo emanating from under their rock. Be gentle and DO NOT start any riots because we do not have the personnel to dispatch.