Halloween Curmudgeon

Witch on a Broom Cartoon

Okay. I admit it. I’m a Halloween curmudgeon. I just don’t get this day. It’s an outdoor event, when it’s invariably dark, rainy and cold, with sugar-crazed herds of costumed children ringing your doorbell for hours on end (sending our 2 Chihuahuas into a 4-hr. barking frenzy, ultimately necessitating doggie downers for either them or us), demanding copious amounts of candy or they’ll throw food products at your house while you sleep, and God help you if you run out. Those sweet-faced little ladybugs get pissed. (And what’s with the teenagers? Drive up to your house, dressed like killer zombies in low-rider, oversize jeans, trick-or-treating?? Screw that. They’re casing the place.)

My greatest Halloween phobia is the costume party. The mere invitation sends my ADHD, OCD, Perfectionist Virgo with Moon Rising, Middle-Child Syndrome neuroses colliding at warp speed over WHAT TO BE until they eventually explode into a wine-chugging night of “For God’s sake, it’s a costume. Just PICK ONE.”

I pour a glass of wine and head to my office down the hall to type in “Most Popular Halloween Costumes” for ideas. Take one look, head back to the kitchen for the rest of the bottle, return and settle in, determined to find something…anything I’d risk running into an old boyfriend while wearing.

List of Top Choices (with running commentary in my head) follow:

1. The Sexy Witch. “Who am I kidding? I’m a decade (fine…2 decades) past black fishnets, stilettos, and pointy hats. There’s a name for 56-yr-old that dress like 30-yr-olds, and it’s not ‘hot.'”

2.  Porky Pig. “A big, pink, fleece snowsuit, with a snout and 8 plastic ‘teets.’ The only outfit less flattering than #1. Never going to happen.”

3.  Toga. “Not since the Tri-Delt debacle during my sorority years in 1978. Don’t ask.”

4.  Naughty Nurse. “A little too suggestive of  ‘Just happened to have this outfit in my closet, right sweetie?’ (wink, wink)” Moving on…

5. Fairy Princess. “What are you? Like, 9??”

6. Gogo Girl. “A look best worn by Twiggy and Goldie Hawn in the 60s, neither of whom are currently wearing it either. Besides, white boots after Labor Day?”

7. Wonder Woman. “Yeah, right. If I won’t wear a sequined bustier and knee-high boots for Kenny, I’m sure as hell not going to wear them for the neighbors.”

8. Lindsay Lohan. “You’d have to get drunk and high before the party, and I’m told those lip injections hurt like a bitch.”

9.  Mad Men Retro. “Requires all-night chain smoking and skirts you can’t sit down in. I don’t smoke and haven’t navigated a pencil skirt in years.”

10. Jeannie (from “I Dream Of”). “Oh swell. Sheer, low-rise harem pants, with a sheer cropped top to show off my perfect, gravity-resistant boobs and my tiny 25″ waist. Who ARE these people??”

Sigh…

Finished my wine (yes, all of it), and decided to go as a 56-year-old writer in bunny slippers and Pajama Pants, who desperately needs to get off her computer and get to a gym, if for no other reason than to see daylight and real, live people, before friends and family succumb to rumors of her untimely demise and begin to send condolence cards.

No need to buy anything new. And I can take my laptop with me.

I could learn to like this holiday.

______________________________________________________________________________

Vikki Claflin

Vikki Claflin:

  • 10 years as a Motivational Speaker and Sales Trainer, specifically in the Beauty industry.
  • 8 years as a Professional Image Consultant, and Featured Speaker for Women’s Events, focusing on Women’s Contemporary Humor and Self-esteem Issues.
  • 3 years as a Newspaper Columnist, published bi-monthly, Women’s Humor and Self-esteem.
  • Member of She Writes and BlogHer
  • Writer and Blogger, currently working on manuscript!
  • Blog: Laugh Lines. www.laugh-lines.net

5 thoughts on “Halloween Curmudgeon

  1. S. Trevor Swenson

    I loved this. It’s always a treat to discover fellow witty curmudgeons. My face lights up and I think instantly “One of my people”. BTW I think you’re certainly pretty and young enough to pull off the sex witch. For Halloween I may also don an acurate and honest costume; namely my everyday clothes…dressing as a grumpy,cynical underachiever. I might have to write this on a sign and wear it around my neck, cept this sounds like too much work.

    Reply

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