Oh, Poop!

Have you ever pooped your pants?

baby fart picture

OOPS!

Let me rephrase the question. Have you ever pooped your pants as an adult?

No?  Congratulations, you must still have your gall bladder.

During the summer of 2004, I began experiencing pain in my upper-right abdominal area (right below my rib cage) and my gall bladder was eventually taken out.  I’ve heard that this pain can mimic a heart attack, but that was not the case with me.  In the middle of running at the local park, I had a sharp pain and collapsed to my knees, grabbing my side.  I drove myself to the hospital where I was admitted and given every test known to man, even cardiac tests (because of family history).

I come from a long line of gall bladder-less people.  Okay, the line is not that long: my grandmother, my mother, and me (that I know of, there could be more).  You can safely place your wagers, because we are the trifecta of pants-shitting.  Go ahead, laugh, but I will warn you that Karma is a bitch.

My Dad:  Who’s Karma and what did she do to you?

Me:  Really?

Moving on…

You gall bladder-less people know exactly what I’m talking about.  You eat certain foods and at a moment’s notice (usually not even that long), your eyeballs bulge from their sockets, sweat pops out on your forehead, and an “Uh Oh” leaks from your mouth as you scan for the nearest location to take the, “Cleveland Browns to the Super Bowl.” **wink**wink**  This never happens when you are at home and the nearest throne is down the hall.  Nope.

What really sucks is if you are on a road trip.  That’s when Murphy’s Law kicks in: if there is a possibility that something will go wrong, rest assured it will.  And you can bet that your shit-laden ass will be in the middle of nowhere where you can’t even locate the nearest outhouse.  What do you do?  Why, of course, you stop on the side of the road.  With no toilet paper.  There’s no drip-drying that crap either (no pun intended).  You have to use a leaf and send up a prayer of hope that it’s not poison ivy.  That’d really suck!

This has happened to me (not the poison ivy), because I’ve been so far up the middle of nowhere that they had to pipe in sunlight.  The nearest location: a church.  Sacrilegious, I know, but there was nowhere else to hide from oncoming traffic, and besides, when you gotta poop, the last thing you notice are your surroundings.  The tears forming in your eyes pretty much block your vision. Now, don’t go and get your panties in a twist.  I didn’t do it.  I couldn’t do it with Jesus looking down on me, shaking his head, getting ready to put another ‘X’ by my name.  Just the thought of it made the Cleveland Brown decide to wait it out for the next chance at the Super Bowl.  Thank you for listening to my prayers, God.

But don’t think I travel lightly anymore.  Open up my glove compartment and you will find baby wipes (don’t judge — they are moist and clean you as you wipe) and an extra pair of shorts (for summer) or pants (for winter).  Don’t forget the plastic bag (no littering, please!) to deposit baby wipes into…and your newly christened britches.

Try walking through a department store.  Inevitably, you’ll be in that far off aisle (the farthest away for any porcelain bowl) when the urge strikes.  Try running to the bathroom when your ass cheeks are squeezed so tight that you almost fall flat on your face.  After you fall, inevitably you poop your pants, and the manager calls for a, “clean-up in housewares, aisle 3. Bring the Febreeze, a hefty bag and a mop!”

That’s when you die of embarrassment and try to explain to anyone listening that you don’t have a gall bladder and shit happens (pun intended).

That reminds me: The Dallas Cowboys play the Cleveland Browns today.

10 thoughts on “Oh, Poop!

  1. K.R. Morrison

    I still have my gall bladder, so I don’t have your situation to blame. But—being in the middle of nowhere, with no facilities around, I can relate to that. My only true experience was when I was on mile number are-we-there-yet on a half-marathon walking event. Try keeping it in while walking a 14-minute mile. Nope-didn’t. But it was just a little. Every time I wear those panties I remember exactly where I was when that stain occurred.

    Now, if you’ll excuse me, I feel inspired to go take care of business.

    Reply
  2. ttoombs08

    I haven’t personally experienced this, but I am married to a “sudden pooper.” And, as we usually end up living in some form of BFE where you’re lucky to spot a tree in the surrounding 50 miles, a toilet would be like having a UFO land in the field next to us (much to the dismay of the stunned stupid bovine community).

    We carry the pooper emergency pack with us everywhere: baby wipes (well, we do have a kid), toilet paper, paper towels, trash bags, ziplock bags, hand sanitizer, extra clothes, a flashlight (shit happens in the dark too, ya know), and a case of water.

    Great post and way to spread the awareness of immediate and powerful anus explosion. 🙂

    Reply
  3. Heather O.

    I had my first gallbladder attack this week, and it was awful. Mine did mimic a heart attack, with center chest pains as well as the upper right abdominal pains. Ouch! I’m probably going to have my gallbladder taken out within a month or two… and this serves as timely warning of things to come. 😛

    Reply
    1. GK Adams Post author

      I hope you have a speedy recovery. I hope you don’t have to have surgery, because it’s quite uncomfortable. Not to mention the life long issues with certain foods, but then again, everyone is different. Good luck!

      Reply
  4. beth3pth

    Omg your story killed me. I had mine out 2011 I’m only 33! Same family nonsense. This was the second time, I’m a home are nurse I’m on the road all day. Long story short no where to go pulled own a side road didn’t make it. Got pants down bag under me and out it came! Omg awful fidgeting in my seat trying to clean it. Poop on my Ganda…my seat u name it. Pulling out gauze from my nurse bag awful then I pull a. Little more down the td to pull off a guy my age! Pulls up trying to lift his head asking if I’m ok.i say yes roll up my wi dis. He sits there, laughs and drives off. Then the 15 min ride home priceless!! I want my gn back

    Reply

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