Tag Archives: redneck

There’s a Fungus Among Us

So, um, yeah…this was growing in the yard:

It’s a little creepy, yet cool at the same time, so naturally, I had to take a photograph. Or two. Or four. By the way, you can click on the photos for a larger view. I think. Yes, you can. I just tried it.

I put a measuring tape up next to it and it was approximately 12″ long. I guess that makes this truly a fungi (fun guy). Get it? You know I just had to insert a stupid mushroom joke in here somewhere.

Moving on…

I was actually leery to touch it, thinking my finger might fall off, so I kicked it, but the damn thing wouldn’t budge. Mushrooms are fun to kick, because usually they go flying! Anyway, when my foot hit this one, the fungus felt jiggly and made me shudder.

I dug it up (impressive root system) and took photographs of its’ undercarriage, as you can see above.

I’ve never seen a mushroom grow like this. It was literally one large clump of shrooms huddled together and clinging on for dear life. Have any of you seen this before?

Is this something I should have chopped up, placed in a zip lock bag, and sold it to the local rednecks, advertising it as a, “good time?”

Black Friday

I’m amazed that Black Friday actually began on Thanksgiving evening, but there’s no stopping the crazies.

Here in Pea Pickin’ Town, Texas, rednecks started lining up last week outside of their home away from home: Wal-Mart. This is the second most important annual event (the first annual event is deer season) that will bring rednecks out from under the rocks (Yes, “rocks” is plural because some rednecks have more than one rock).

They could be seen pitchin’ their tents:

redneck tent

This is how redneck’s roll!

Reclining in their redneck recliner’s:

redneck recliner

He brought this from his living room, y’all. Promise!

And firing up the grill for hot dog’s:

cooking hot dogs on a grill

Gourmet food for Rednecks!

When “Black Friday” actually begins, you’ll see these same rednecks taking down the tents they pitched earlier in the week and actually pitchin’ fits as they fight their way to the camouflage in the sporting goods section of Wal-Mart.

Word of advice: Never — ever — get in the way of a redneck on a camouflage shopping spree. If you do, chances are you’ll walk away dazed and confused, limping, and crying for your mommy.

Rednecks 1; Average Joe 0

Redneck A-L-E-R-T!

Redneck

When this picture was posted by our local news station on my Facebook timeline, I just about shit my pants. This gentleman was arrested for burglarizing a home, but while doing so, stopped to eat a bowl of ravioli. I’m assuming it was Chef Boyardee in a can, because no self-respecting redneck would eat the kind that was homemade. Come on!

The picture was posted on Halloween (10/31) and at first, I thought it was our weatherman being a smart ass and dressing up as a Zombie.

Anyway, this crook was positively identified by police because he still had the red spaghetti sauce around his mouth. True story, y’all. Welcome to Texas!

Huh? What Just Happened?

So, it happened.  I got sucked in.  Not on purpose.  It all started with the conversation I had with Miss V:

Me: What are you doing?
Miss V (giggle): Watching Honey Boo Boo.
Me: Ugh. Are you kidding me?
Miss V: Nope!

We continue our conversation a little longer.  Well, I should say that I talked and Miss V grunted every once in a while, obviously engrossed in her choice of television viewing.  I let her go, saying that we would talk later.

A few days later, I talked to my mother:

Mom: (laughing) 
Me: What are you doing?
Mom (still laughing): Have you seen this crap yet? The mother farts and everything.
Me (shaking my head): What are you talking about?
Mom: Honey Boo Boo. You have to see it.
Me: No. I refuse to get sucked in.

Then it happened.  Curiosity killed this cat.  I can’t believe it either and it wasn’t only ONE episode that I watched.  It was a freakin’ marathon.  Let me say it again: A FREAKIN’ MARATHON!!!  My lapse in judgment occurred in October, but I couldn’t post anything during that entire month because of all the guest bloggers I had (thank you to everyone who participated).  Plus, I needed time to recover.  From Honey Boo Boo.  Marathons are draining. I honestly felt like I had jet lag and my normal ability to form coherent sentences ceased to exist.

My phone rings.

Miss V: What are you doing?
Me: It sucked me in. You won’t believe it.
Miss V (a sigh of disgust, waiting for the worst possible news): Oh, God. What happened now?
Me: I watched Honey Boo Boo. A freakin’ marathon of that shit.
Miss V: (giggling)
Me: Unbelievable.  I’m still trying to recover.
Miss V:  I completely understand.

And you know what?  She did.

I just knew it was going to be bad when the opening credits showed the mother farting and the family reacting to it.  I do the same thing when my father farts.  At least June (the mother of one Honey Boo Boo) admits it.  My father blames the dogs or that pesky mouse riding a motorcycle.

My mouth was agape the whole time watching this show.  I don’t know how many flies I caught during that marathon, but suffice it to say, I’ve met my protein limit.  For the year.  On the upside, I realized that I am bilingual, so there’s that.  I speak English and Redneck, because I didn’t need their subtitles.  And, why should you need English subtitles if they are speaking English, anyway? Because the Honey Boo Boo Clan is actually speaking Southernese, that’s why.  The South is a whole other country.  It’s no surprise that this show is on TLC (The Learning Channel), because you are, after all, learning a new language.

With all the jokes out there about rednecks being dumb, idiots, or whatever, all I have to say is: they’re right.  The Honey Boo Boo Clan has confirmed this fact.  And, I can agree, because I’m from the South and I’m not insulting anyone who doesn’t deserve it, so just calm down already!  I don’t want or need any hate mail.  But let me ejumicate you for a sec…not all people in the south are like that clan.  Just 97% of the population.  I’m in the 3%, because I moved up North for a while, so I’m exempt.  This show is not a good representation of the south, but it qualifies as expert television programming and spot-on representation of rednecks.

I was in utter awe with their choice of wordage:

Kewponnin’ (using coupons to save money)
Shack ’em up mate (living with Sugar Bear)
Bomb diggity (awesome)
Mud boggin’ (riding ATV’s)
Kuntry Stoe (country store):  Really?
Puttin’ together skillz (the ability to assemble a store bought product)
Beautimous (beautiful) – should not even be uttered by this family.
Vajiggle jaggles (????):  I don’t even want to know.

And my favorite:  the use of the word biscuit to describe “lady parts.”  Gives whole new meaning to biscuits and gravy.  Yes, I went there.

Should I even mention their definition of, “spray tans?”  Okay, I will.  It comes in a bottle and has a small, spongy paint roller.  When Momma June lathered up Honey Boo Boo’s belly, she didn’t hit all the spots and this little future pole dancer’s tummy was a pure mess, but yet that 7-year old future ho flaunted that shit.  The only thing missing were dollar bills sticking out of her swim suit.  Seriously, y’all, this little girl is in trouble when she grows up.  Mark my words.  Nothing good will come out of her 15 minutes of fame.

Although, I have to admit (as much as I hate to), that I had a good laugh when Momma June had a wet towel resting on top of her head because it was hot outside.  She referred to this as a, “redneck air conditioner.”  Good one.

At the end of the final episode, when Honey Boo Boo is sitting in the chair talking to the camera, she sneezes and snot flies from her nose and trickles to her upper lip, my chin hit my chest and all I could muster was a loud gasp and finally, “Hooooooooooooly Shit!”  And then I gagged.  I might have thrown up in my mouth a bit.  Things became hazy after that.

Needless to say, I’m looking forward to the “holiday” episodes that TLC ordered up. Bring it on, Honey Boo Boo!

Oh, and if y’all missed the episode of them making their lemonade and ‘sketti and were curious as to how to make these wonderful concoctions, I wrote down the recipes fer ya. You can thank me later.

Lemonade
5 pounds of Sugar (yep, 5 POUNDS)
2 bottles of Lemon Juice
Stir and pour over ice.
Drink up fools!
Don’t forget to have your insulin within reach or at least a phone to dial 9-1-1.
***For extra redneck effect, stir the lemonade with your hand, just like Ellie Mae Clampett!***

‘Sketti
Boil pasta.
Pour 1 whole bottle of stoe (not store) brand ketchup in a bowl.
Add 1 large tub of margarine.
Microwave until melted and mix.
Check pasta for doneness by throwing pasta on the walls.
After draining, pour pasta back into large vat and add “sauce.”
Remove pasta that was flung onto the walls and add to vat.
Serve in leftover butter dishes with a side of lemonade.
Make sure Sugar Bear is happy.
Bon Appetit!