Tag Archives: texas

Black Friday

I’m amazed that Black Friday actually began on Thanksgiving evening, but there’s no stopping the crazies.

Here in Pea Pickin’ Town, Texas, rednecks started lining up last week outside of their home away from home: Wal-Mart. This is the second most important annual event (the first annual event is deer season) that will bring rednecks out from under the rocks (Yes, “rocks” is plural because some rednecks have more than one rock).

They could be seen pitchin’ their tents:

redneck tent

This is how redneck’s roll!

Reclining in their redneck recliner’s:

redneck recliner

He brought this from his living room, y’all. Promise!

And firing up the grill for hot dog’s:

cooking hot dogs on a grill

Gourmet food for Rednecks!

When “Black Friday” actually begins, you’ll see these same rednecks taking down the tents they pitched earlier in the week and actually pitchin’ fits as they fight their way to the camouflage in the sporting goods section of Wal-Mart.

Word of advice: Never — ever — get in the way of a redneck on a camouflage shopping spree. If you do, chances are you’ll walk away dazed and confused, limping, and crying for your mommy.

Rednecks 1; Average Joe 0

Hiking (and Falling) is Not For Amateurs

Every Saturday, myself and 3 other girls would go hiking.  Earlier in the week, we’d discuss where to go and we’d always choose a Texas State Park, usually within a few hours driving distance of Dallas.  Much to the dismay of the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department, we chose Dinosaur Valley in Glen Rose, Texas which is situated about 1 1/2 hours Southwest of Dallas.

Dinosaur Valley contains some of the best preserved dinosaur tracks in the world, which are located mainly in the riverbed.  Just to build up the hype, there are fiberglass models of a 70-foot Apatosaurus and a 45-foot Tyrannosaurus Rex located near the entrance.  I know what you are thinking, but no, they are not real:

Dinosaur Valley

These are NOT real…

Dinosaur Footprint

Fossilized Dinosaur Footprint. These ARE real.

It was a typical sweltering Texas day and midway through our hike along the river, I had run out of water.  I was miserable and sweating like a whore in church.

My friend Tammie (wondering out loud): “I wonder how close the car is?”

Me (pointing to the top of the cliff): Should be right above us, if the map is correct.

Dinosaur Valley Map

Tammie (leaning her head back and looking up the cliff):  We can climb this shit.

Cliff at Dinosaur Valley

Not to be outdone, I was up for the challenge.

Looking at the picture (it’s deceiving), it doesn’t look that high up, but I assure you that it was about 30 feet above us.  That cliff was daring us two idiots to continue.  We did.

Tammie:  I’ll beat you to the top.

Me:  I don’t think so.

I’m about 1 foot from reaching the top and Tammie is not far behind me.  I grab onto a tree root sticking out from the cliff so that I can hoist myself over the edge and claim victory. Today was not going to be my day.  As soon as I grabbed the tree root, my foot slipped.  The tree root couldn’t hold my body weight and I started to fall, except my ankle caught on another tree root and flipped me upside down.

Now, if this was someone else hanging upside down from a 30-foot cliff, my first thought would have been, “Where’s the camera?  This shit is about to get good.”  But, no.  Nobody pulled out a camera, so I don’t have a picture.  Sorry.

I’m still hanging upside down as Tammie makes it to the top.  She sounds somewhat worried and I’m trying to stay calm and work through the situation, wondering how in the hell I’m going to fix this. All I hear below me are the voices of my other two friends, whispering, “Oh my God.”  The tree root didn’t give me time to think and snapped.  I fell all the way down to the riverbed and landed on my back.  I couldn’t catch my breath and my other two friends were standing over me.  Their mouths were agape and they were speechless.  So was I.

Tammie (hollering from the top of the cliff):  Did you survive?

Me (giving her the One Finger Salute):  F*** off!

Tammie: I’m going to go get the park ranger.

30 minutes pass.  An hour.  No park ranger.  No Tammie.  No violins playing at my pity party.

Me: We’re going to have to hike around the bend to get to the car.

Other two friends (in unison, but still stunned to say much else): Okay.

I try to stand up, but my ankle had swollen to the size of a softball.  Hiking back was not an option, so I started to crawl, thinking it couldn’t be that far to the car.

It was. About 2 miles. OF CRAWLING! Have you ever tried crawling on your hands and knees and suddenly, your knee cap finds the only pointed rock within a 10 mile radius? Yeah, it hurts.

After a few more hours, we finally reach the parking lot and where is Tammie?  Her ass is sitting at a picnic table eating a sandwich.  Her legs are crossed and she’s holding out her pinkie like she’s the damned Queen of England (totally out of character for her).

I’m laying on my back on the ground trying to catch my breath.  I slowly turned my head toward her.

Me:  So, Tammie…

Tammie (chewing her sandwich):  mmmm, hmmmm?

Me:  Did you find the park ranger?

Tammie:  Sure did!  Even told him what happened.

Me (in my best English accent):  And, what? Did you two share a spot a tea?

Tammie:  Don’t be silly. They said you weren’t a priority because some little boy fell and broke his wrist.

Me (still glaring at Tammie): And you figured it would be a good time to have lunch?

Tammie (licking her fingers):  Yep, I was hungry.

Moral of the story?  Never, and I mean NEVER go hiking with royalty!

* no dinosaurs were harmed during this incident.  But, Tammie was!

Redneck A-L-E-R-T!

Redneck

When this picture was posted by our local news station on my Facebook timeline, I just about shit my pants. This gentleman was arrested for burglarizing a home, but while doing so, stopped to eat a bowl of ravioli. I’m assuming it was Chef Boyardee in a can, because no self-respecting redneck would eat the kind that was homemade. Come on!

The picture was posted on Halloween (10/31) and at first, I thought it was our weatherman being a smart ass and dressing up as a Zombie.

Anyway, this crook was positively identified by police because he still had the red spaghetti sauce around his mouth. True story, y’all. Welcome to Texas!

April Fools, Right?

This is a True Story:

April 1, 2002 rolled around and as I was stirred awake by the alarm clock, I began to wonder what kind of pranks the guys at work would try to pull on me.  Sometimes, working from home had its advantages.  Okay, it was advantageous all the time, but especially on April Fools Day.

I rolled out of bed to begin my day and with my feet dangling over the side of my bed, I began to rub the sleep from my eyes.  Suddenly, I smelled a familiar aroma.  It was my grandmother’s perfume (White Linen) mixed with another familiar smell of her hand lotion (Jergen’s).  It’s a distinct aroma that I’ve only smelled when being around her.  But that wasn’t possible, because I was living in New Hampshire and she was still in Texas.

Work went on without any glitches and at about 1:00pm, my home phone rang.  It was my dad:

Me:  Hello?
Dad:  Granny died.
Me:  April Fools, right?
Dad:  This is no joke.
Me:  Where’s mom?
Dad: Still at the hospital.
Me:  Okay.  I’ll make arrangements to come home and call y’all later.

I hang up the phone and make the necessary arrangement to fly back home.  By the way, the airlines totally screw you on “emergency flights.”  The only discount I was offered was $50.00 off a flight that was about to cost me over $1000.00 and that’s only if I presented a death certificate.

Me:  How can I present a death certificate if she just died?
Airline:  I don’t know, but we need to have it to give you the discount.

I had no time to argue because I had other arrangements to make (boarding the dogs, etc.).  I would just eat the $50.00 and tell them to shove it up their you-know-whats later.  I was scheduled to depart the next morning at 9:00am.

After dropping off the dogs at the kennel, packing my suitcase, and calling home to speak with mom, I was utterly exhausted and fell into the bed and began snoozing immediately.

I started to dream:

I was standing behind a huge wall of glass.  Looking through, I saw a figure that I recognized as my grandmother.  I banged on the glass and she turned to wave at me.  I didn’t recognize the woman she was standing next to, who was wearing a light blue dress with her hair pulled up into a tight bun.  I waved back and shrugged my shoulder’s and mouthed the words, “What are you doing?”   My grandmother just smiled and turned back around to talk to the lady in the blue dress again. I walked over to the revolving door and tried to push my way through the crowd, but other people kept pushing me back as they walked though. There was no way I was going to get beyond that door.  I went back over and pounded on the glass.  My grandmother looked at me, held up her finger, shook her head, and mouthed the words, “It’s not your time to go.”  Dejected, I stepped away from the glass and sat down.

The next thing I know, the alarm clock went off and I was on my way back to Texas.

I told my mother about the dream and after describing the mysterious woman in the blue dress (that my grandmother was talking to), she went to her bedroom.  After a few minutes, she returned, handed me a picture, and asked, “Is that the woman you saw?”

In the picture, was the same woman from the dream that was talking to my grandmother. She was wearing a light blue dress and her hair pulled into a tight bun.  I looked at my mother and asked, “Who is that?”

“That’s my grandmother.  Your Granny’s mother.”

Author’s Note:  It seems my dream was about my grandmother’s journey to heaven after her mother had greeted her at the gates and even though I tried to get to her, it obviously wasn’t my time to go.  To this day, thoughts of this dream gives me goosebumps, and rightly so!

For Sale

Amityville Haunted House

Janet and her daughter Trish were trying to locate a home they wanted to purchase.  Janet called a realtor (Karen) about a house in the suburbs of Dallas, Texas and told her she wanted to see the house.  Janet said that Karen was really hesitant about going there and told my friend that she had another appointment. Karen (the realtor) told Janet that the house should be unlocked and she was welcome to go on in and look it over.  If Janet was still interested after viewing the house, she asked that Janet call her back and they would meet to discuss the house.

When Janet and her daughter Trish arrived, the house was locked up tight as a drum and there was no way in.  They walked around the house and found a window that was unlocked.  It appeared to be a window in a formal dining room area.  They both worked at opening the window and Janet pushed Trish through and then lifted herself up and over the window sill.  They walked into the house and as they were in the dining room they felt as though someone was watching them.  Trish asked her mother, “Mom…do you feel like someone is watching us?”  Janet replied, “Yes, but it’s probably our imagination.”

Janet and Trish walked over to the entry area and could see a large staircase.  It was enormous, but beautiful.  They both decided to view the lower level before climbing the stairs and as they entered the living room area with their backs to the staircase, they heard someone walking down the stairs.  They both thought maybe Karen had shown up and when they turned to greet her, nobody was there.  The sound of someone descending was loud and seemed to be coming closer, but still, nobody was there. Trish started to tremble and held onto her mother, but Janet kept trying to make sense of the whole thing.  Janet swallowed hard and asked Trish if she had seen enough of the house.  They were both terrified and agreed that they wanted out of there.

Janet and Trish got out of that house by the same window they came through because they didn’t want to even get near that front door.  Both of them ran to the car and were panting so hard that they couldn’t even talk.

When they arrived back home, Janet called Karen because she wanted to know about the house after she told her about their experience there.  Karen finally confessed to Janet that she had also been terrified of going into the house and didn’t want to step foot in there ever again.  She told Janet that there had been a murder in that house about 10 years prior and that no one was able to stay in that house because everyone hears or sees something.  Janet and Trish didn’t “see” anything but they sure heard it.  Whatever “it” was.

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True story, y’all and thank you to my aunt for sharing her experience.

Has anyone else had this happen to them?  Leave your comments below and thanks for reading!